An ex called me the other day. I don’t know how he got my number, but I guess that’s a subject for another blog. I really didn’t feel like talking. Not because it was him, although he is annoying; but because I kinda have a rule about engaging in conversation before ten in the morning, or before I have my first cup of coffee. He happened to luck out because I am battling a bad case of insomnia, and the coffee was already brewing. After the salutations and other pleasantries the conversation went like this:
X: What are you doing?
Me: Making breakfast.
X: What are you making?
Me: Just eggs, bacon and toast.
X: You still eat those white girl eggs?
Like I said, the coffee was still brewing, so it took a minute for the question to register.
White girl eggs? I asked in my head. He must have sensed my confusion and added:
X: You know, all slimy and shit?
M: Over easy?
X: Yeah that. That’s that white girl shit.
I had no idea how I cooked my eggs was a racial thing. I know it’s not good for you with the risk of salmonella and what not, but at times, I like to dip my toast in the yolk. Intrigued as much as I was confused, I asked the obvious question:
M: How are over easy eggs a white girl thing?
X: It just is.
So being Caucasian and an asshole, I asked X to give me other examples of white girl things. Little did I know there was a rather lengthy list of things only white girls do or are linked to. For brevity sake, I’m only going to touch on a few.
White women do not season their food:
This came as a complete and utter shock to me as X has eaten and enjoyed my food. So much so, that he used to frequently ask when I was going to make gumbo again. I have a spice rack, and I keep a plethora of spices in the fridge for freshness and convenience. I don’t put white salt on my table because I feel if you season your food correctly, you don’t really need it. The rule in my house is: taste the food first, and then if you don’t like it, I’ll hand you a salt shaker after I suck my teeth.
The only things I may be guilty of are the overuse of garlic, but I have Italian ancestors, sue me. I’m also a little heavy handed with cayenne pepper. Certain foods I just like spicy.
So to make a sweeping generalization that white women don’t use seasoning, is not only asinine, it’s just simply untrue.
White women love hockey:
(Enter confused face). I don’t even understand hockey. I mean I tried to support my local team, but I am nearsighted and I never know where the puck is nor do I comprehend the fighting.
White women don’t use washcloths:
Okay, I blame television commercials for this shit. Every time a soap commercial comes on there’s a white chick rubbing the whole bar of soap all over her body. I don’t think anyone of any ethnic background does that. It’s just unsanitary. I have multiple loofas and washcloths for the different parts of my anatomy. For example, I don’t wash my face with the hoo-hoo cloth which is completely separate from the booty cloth. And I tend to use body wash instead of soap.
When a white woman’s hair is wet, it smells like a dog:
First, who goes around sniffing dogs? Secondly, how dirty do others keep their dogs? My dogs have always been exceptionally clean. Bailey smelled like peach doggie shampoo most of the time and Cheech smells like fabric softener. Although I don’t know why Cheech smells like that, and I’m a little worried. All that to say, if my hair is wet and you think I smell like peaches or fabric softener, thanks and carry on.
White women wear shorts all year long:
Fuck that. I get cold too easily. I may wear tights and/or leggings under shorts, but never bare legged. That’s just really stupid, and I don’t want pneumonia.
White women are the only women who like and drink pumpkin spice coffee:
I am white; I like pumpkin spice coffee. I also know women of other races who like pumpkin spice coffee. I call bullshit.
White women are pushovers and will believe anything in relationships:
Maybe it’s because I don’t get in other women’s business, or the fact that I don’t socialize with too many white women, but I think this is more of a dating naivety than a race thing. Most women make dating mistakes when they are younger. Limits come with time and a blending of good and bad experiences. Typically, once you have been treated well, you don’t go back to mediocrity.
Because I have a MFA in Creative Writing, I know people can make shit up. I watch actions. And even those can be suspect. So now, I watch for consistency.
I must confess that there were times I have done the drive-by, threw a cake, a toaster, and ruined a gaming console…and no I did not take the man in question back. So no, this white woman is not a pushover.
White women pay for everything:
White women are always early:
Guilty as charged. Y’all got that one, but never before my first cup of coffee.
- I ate my eggs scrambled this morning with cheese, but it had nothing to do with this blog.
Anyone have any other cultural myths they’d like to debunk?
Feel free to comment below.
© Michele Mitchell, 2015