In an interview, artist Jean-Michel Basquiat was asked why people were drawn so crudely in his work. His answer, “I think people are generally crude; I don’t know many refined people.”
Imagine sharing Basquiat’s thoughts as an eight year old little girl.
Imagine that he could have possibly said those words the day I was born.
I am weird. I have known this for quite some time, possibly since I was eight years old. I was led to believe that I had to “fit in” and “be a certain way” or people “would talk about me”. The irony was I didn’t like most people.
When I was a kid, “fun” for me was finding a secluded place to wander off to, put a blanket down, look up at the sky, and make words out of the negative spaces between tree branches.
I still like doing that.
Told you I am weird.
What I am just now starting to realize over thirty-five years later is that the reason I didn’t like most people is because I am not like most people.
But that didn’t stop people from liking me or pretending to like me at least. I never understood why. I never considered myself pretty.
I didn’t have the best figure.
I didn’t succumb to form or fashion.
I am loud.
And down- right inappropriate and rude at times.
But I did have one thing…
I was a fucking genius.
Now I am not saying that to “toot my own horn” or sound arrogant. The fact is the shit is true. My score on the WAIS III (Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale-III)was a 135.The problem with this score was:
- I was only in the third grade.
- I was emotionally delayed.
- That pretty much meant I had a hard time expressing myself, but when I did it was INTENSE.
- So I was teased/bullied/abused a lot by kids and sometimes teenagers.
- I became hypersexual at a very young age.
- But I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t know how, or I felt this was my fault, and I would be punished.
Those characteristics stalked me in my teenage years and thwarted me in my adulthood. I was awkward around men until maybe the third time being in their presence. Because I didn’t think I was pretty, I lacked confidence. Then if/ when I got comfortable, I communicated well on various topics. However, I questioned EVERYTHING, because how I “saw life” was outside the cultural norms, but when I would do this I was called “crazy” or “a weirdo.”
So I was forcing my very square peg in a really round hole.
I did not fit.
Until I became a “fixer”
Yeah, I was that chick who saw the good in every derelict man that was guided by my beacon of light, and felt the need lend them my light so they could be well again.
Until my light was being lent out so much, I was left in the dark metaphorically and no one “saw’ me for who I really was.
Until my lights went out literally.
(Most of you know my story if not check out the about page and click on the links there.)
Then I became “enlightened.” And what’s dope about that is:
- I don’t feel alone or “crazy” for questioning what I was taught as a child.
- I found that the more I learn the more I want to learn, and there is SO much I need to know.
- I don’t have to agree with people for them to respect me.
- I actually refuse to conform to society’s way of thinking.
- I am happier being eclectic, tryin to loc my hair (even though I am pretty sure I can’t), being pierced, wearin bangles, broomstick skirts, painting my toes in the colors of the rainbow just to put on mix match socks.
- No matter how many times I was hurt, used, abused, accepted less than what I deserved, I STILL BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF LOVE and will OWN and ROCK that shit until I am the next SUPERNOVA!!!
I told ya I am weird
That’s cool though, cuz I’m unique. So fuck being pretty, being my true authentic self is BEAUTIFUL!!!
Photo Credit: http://www.deviantart.com/art/Hippie-chick-135930022